And to my surprise, I'm actually alright. I was expecting some kind of, I don't know, moment of depression, of sleeping past 2pm everyday to shorten thinking about Spain all the day, of trying to piece together the dichotomy of me in Spain and me here. But, none of that's happened. The latest I sleep everyday is up to 10:30, and I spent most of my days, not really doing any thinking, intense thinking that is. I've come to the point where I'm able to just let go. There's no point into holding something so tightly (even if it's a good thing) because you miss out on the better thing right in front of you. Letting go is something I had to train myself to do. In the past, I would struggle so hard, it would take me months, years sometimes. I've realized that it wasn't even that I loved the thing I was holding onto, I just had experienced so much loss that to lose something again was unbearable. It seemed like good things came by so rarely and when they did, I had to cling to it. But now, I've reconciled those losses. I think I've properly mourned for them and let go. I've gotten closure. So the fact that I can let go of these 4 months, not easily, but with acceptance, is evidence of how far I've come.
But I do think that I haven't fully processed my 4 months yet. I think I'm holding off on it because I'm afraid of what's to come. That's why I've been holding off on writing. Writing is how I process, how I digest things, and I'm afraid that I'm going to come up with some realization that I don't yet want to realize. But all that goes down the drain as evidenced by me writing this.
So, fine, since I'm writing anyway.
En mis ultimos dias, encontré que quiero estudiar mas español. No podia imaginar ir a la escuela sin una clase en español. Asi que, decidí a estudiar un minor en linguistics and the study of the spanish language. Estoy emocionada para esto, pero vamos a ver si voy a gustarme la clase de linguistics. Mis razones por esto, hmm, creo que todavia no he terminado aprendiendo, no quiero terminar aprendiendo. Porque despues la graduacion, tendré que ir a grad school, y despues encontrar un trabajo. No es que no estoy lista por el mundo real, es que en grad school, no tienes la opcion para estudiar otras cosas aparte de tu especialidad. Soy una persona que le gusta aprender todo, por interes, no por obligacion. Es parte de mi caracter, y tengo que aprovechar este tiempo para aprender. Aunque es posible que tengo que quedarme en la escuela por un quarter mas, pero porque la prisa a graduarme? Me siento mal para la gente que piensa que no se tiene el tiempo o opcion para estudiar cosas por diversion. Pero despues estudiando en Espana, encontré que tengo toda mi vida a trabajar. No necesito empezar ahora.
You can look that up on google translate, although it's not completely accurate either.
So the last puente (our 5 days off), I went back to Portugal. Last time I went to Lisbon, and the getting there to say the least was not fun (crazy bus driver, some woman running up crying and yelling because she left her purse with her money and passport at the last stop-the bus driver wouldn't turn back, a lady behind us throwing up-because of the crazy driving, and these 3 guys from cali who wouldn't stop talking to us all night). I wanted to let Portugal redeem itself because we got off to a bad start.
This time, I went to Oporto. I wanted to go somewhere non-touristy and didn't have a million things to see. Funny thing was that when we were riding the train, Amrita, my friend, was like "this is ugly". Immediately, a flood a regret washed over me. Good thing the train ride was long because when we got there, it was the most beautiful port I've ever seen. It was a lazy, quiet day and everyone was taking advantage of the sun by hanging their clothes outside.
After Oporto, I head onto Barcelona. I'd been learning about Gaudi in my art history class and I wanted to wait after we learned about him to see Barcelona. I had always wanted to be able to travel solo. I don't know, I just always admired people who were able to just up and leave. A huge part of my fear, though, was that I'm about the most directionally challenged person you'll ever meet. But what I've learned throughout my trip is that I never really take the opportunity to try. I found that yes, though my sense of direction is horrible, my memory is amazing. All I need is a little faith that I would get there ok. And guess what? It was the easiest thing ever. Although I did get on a train not knowing where or when to get off. I, proudly admit, have become the master of the metros at Barcelona.
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| Parque Güell |
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| Gingerbread houses in Park Guell |
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| Casa Batllo |
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| Casa Mila |
some say the house represents the ocean with its wave-like structure and the balconies are seaweed,
But this is the way I see it:
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| La Sagrada Familia |
Casa Vicens- one of Gaudi's first houses. It's still privately owned and not many tourists know about it. In class, we watched a BBC film about it and I knew I just had to go see it.
I've learned so much by traveling solo: that I'm more capable than I think I am. Now I refuse to give into self-fulfilling prophecies. Your whole life, people tell you you're one way, for me its, you're awful at direction, you can't cook, then you use those things, or I did at least, almost as excuses to not even try, then you fulfill the self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, just because you are alone, doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Ever since the beginning, I knew I wanted to travel alone. I always imagined somewhere peaceful, quiet, maybe a bit of nature here and there, and I end up in Barcelona, one of the biggest cities in Spain. Even more, it was the puente so everyone in Spain was traveling AND there was a Lady Gaga (ew) concert there that weekend.
But this is what I've come to learn. People feel lonely when they are surrounded by strangers. They can be in a room full of people, yet feel so alone. But while I was there, I didn't feel an once of loneliness. It was quiet, but I quite enjoyed my own company. And that's when it hit me, how much I've healed. Before I used to feel constant loneliness, even when surrounded by people who loved me. Though there was love around me, I didn't feel it because I wasn't receptive to it. Imagine how lonely that is. Love, friendship, anything, means absolutely nothing if you don't feel it, if you don't receive it. Now, I can be alone with a bunch of strangers, yet not feel alone. How did that happen? Well, this whole year, I've been in a process of healing. It's truly God who has mended my heart. And it's moments like these when I'm encouraged because I see the progress I've made.
